A citizens group, the Bibb County Citizens for Fiscally Responsible Government and Eliminating Wasteful Extravagant Spending and Against Buying Overvalued Land Without Appraisals, said the Bibb school board screwed up. To emphasize their point, the group took out a full-page newspaper ad with bold letters proclaiming "School Board Stinks!" A BCCFFRGAEWESAABOLWA spokesperson said the school board should have had property appraised before agreeing to buy it and complained bitterly that placing a school on the Forsyth Road property, also known as "Santa's Forest," would likely result in an influx of noisy, rowdy, hell-raising children into the area. Some group members also opposed the tax hike imposed by the county to fund the "extravagant and wasteful expenditures of the school board." Bibb County commission chairman Larry Justice said, "Yeah, sock it to 'em. Those guys made us raise your taxes. Shame on them!" School Board president Betty Phillips countered saying that "It isn't the board's fault that county commissioners are a bunch of panty-waist pansies who couldn't say 'no' to various budget requests which resulted in their budget deficit." The county recently approved its next fiscal year budget in a process commonly known as "Santa's Candy Store" and in that process decided to raise property taxes to generate $2.7 million to cover a school budget increase of $3.1 million. Part of that increase is to fund a special class for county commissioners who lack basic math skills. School board vice-president and co-founder of SSK realtors, Gene Kernaghan II, said "I won't apologize for what we paid for certain properties or where and how we bought them. I didn't get one dime of the realtor's commissions on the sale and that really burns me up, but remember that the seller paid those outrageous realtor commissions, not the school board. The bottom-line is that if the BCCFFRGAEWESAABOLWA doesn't like it, they can eat my shorts."

By a unanimous vote of 3-2, the Bibb County commission voted to raise property taxes to cover their excessive spending. "I just hate saying 'No' to nice people," said commissioner Joe Allen. "Besides, I’m sure we'll get more money from the state-mandated property revaluation. That's an invisible tax hike we can blame of the state," Allen said. Commission chairman Larry Justice said, "We can deficit spend with the big boys in Atlanta or Washington. They ain't got nothing on us. But Bill (Bibb Finance officer Bill Vaugn) kept sitting over there rattling that piggy bank and saying we had reserves to plunder. So this don't count as deficit spending when we raid the piggybank." Another commissioner who asked not to be identified, said "We can always blame it on increased funding for schools. I mean, no one can be against education, right?" Commission finance chairman Dennis Dorsey (a mean-spirited Republican) said, "I just don't like spending our grandchildren's future. I'd much prefer to slash indigent healthcare funding and let the old fogies die slow, agonizing deaths."

GRAY - Gray City Council proved this week that bickering and fighting is not limited strictly to massive government bodies such as Macon's city council. Gray City Council voted 4-1 to reinstate Arthur Gray, Jr. after he was dismissed for allegedly repeatedly drinking on the job for the city of Gray. Mayor Jason Gray (a distant relative of Gray) said the council's actions were illegal because he cancelled their meeting and they met anyway at the kitchen table of one city council member. City councilman Cicero Gray (a distant cousin of Gray), the lone dissenter who opposed the reinstatement said, "I don't want him driving the city truck when he's been drinking, I mean, I was planning to use that truck for deer-hunting this year. Anyway, pass the potato salad." Gray's attorney, Greg Gray, Gray's ex-brother-in-law, said "My client was not legally drunk, so we'll sue everybody involved if my client isn't reinstated." Mayor Jason Gray threatened to disband city council and declare marshal law if he didn't get his way. City councilman Joe Gray (a second cousin of Gray) said, "He (Mayor Gray) is full of it."

The Bibb County school board reversed a standing policy and decided Friday night to allow 108 seniors who failed the state-required graduation test to march in Saturday's graduation ceremony. Bibb school board member Max Leakyheart says they just didn't have the stomach to actually follow the policy two years in a row. Bibb's policy had been to prohibit participation by those failing the test. "Just because they failed one little test ain't no good reason to spoil their party," Leakyheart said. "They only get four chances to pass the test over two years and the fourth failure kind of sneaks up on you at the end of those two years. We just thought it was wrong to discriminate against students who fail tests repeatedly. They're trying hard you know," Leakyheart said. One student named Barbie who asked not be identified said of the test, "Science is hard!" Leakyheart opposed the measure to identify non-passing students with special cone-shaped caps and gowns with special symbols. "We decided it was easier to list them on a special dunce-sheet insert," Leakyheart said. "In case they never pass the test to get their diplomas, they can frame the insert which lists their names as 'in progress,' that is, assuming they don't lose their programs in a drunken stupor at the graduation parties," Leakyheart said.

The good news from the recent meeting of the Unification commission is that controlling the crowds has not been a problem. Both members of the audience, one reporter and one relative of a commission member, were well-behaved and quiet. The meeting took an hour to rehash the usual issues and render the usual result: Nothing. Elected mayor or city manager? Elected law enforcement officer or appointed chief? Anyone have a coin? How many legislative body members?

The detailed member size discussion went as follows: "We could go with five members, they could all fit on one mid-sized car or form a basketball team. Or we could go with six members. Seven has always been my lucky number, I like that one. Another option is 8 members. But with nine members we could form a softball team and compete in the Flag City shootout. Ten's a nice round number, though. Eleven would give us enough for a football team. Dang there's a lot of good options here."

"We've got to have someone to cut ribbons and kiss babies," said city councilman Theron Ussery. "With a city manager doing the daily management, the legislative body members could all rotate as mayor of the week for the ribbon and kissing duties."

The only firm decision was to schedule another meeting and adjourn for the night. "See," said one commission member, "With all this community support, we can be very decisive."

Disclaimer: The accounts, quotes and stories on this page are wholly fictitious and intended as satire and humor. Although real names may be used and all good humor has an element of truth, this stuff ain't real. If you didn't already know these stories were bogus, then you're not too bright. --Steve Scroggins